Bad Jokes thread

[rician blast]

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.


How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

[rician blast]

A Man, a Cat, and an 6-foot Hen walk into a bar. They sit down and the man offers to buy a round of beer. "Sure," says the cat, "That'd be nice...but I want you to know I'm not buying you one in return."

"Fine," says the man and goes to buy three beers. They drink and talk for a while until they finish their beer and then the Hen asks if they'd like another. "Please," says the cat, "But there's no way I'm gonna pay for any later on."

The Hen orders three beers and they sit and drink and talk for a bit longer. When the time for the next time comes around the man and the hen both look at the cat expectantly.

"No way," says the cat. "I made it damn clear that I'm not paying for any beer...you want more, you'll have to pay."

Sighing, the man gets up and asks for three more beers. The bartender, who is obviously confused asks the man, "What's going on?"

"Well," says the man, "I found an old lamp a few years back and I gave it a rub and this genie comes out, says he'll give me anything I wish for. But I'm not sure he really understood...I asked for a tall chick with a tight pussy."--

[redsoxrules]

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

[redsoxrules]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,

"I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob, the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

[Peters34]

This is an old one but

Why do they call it PMS (sry for any women on here)
Because mad cow was already taken

[redsoxrules]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher was trying to teach good manners, and asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter,how would you say it?' Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?' 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.' !

[TheKilo]

Q.How can you spot a blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard...

[Rodney Harrison]

Originally Posted by yeszir

I laughed at the drunk driving one.


Two atoms are walking down the street. One turns to the other and says "Holy shit! I think I just lost an electron!" The other one asks him "Are you sure?" The first one replies "I'm positive!"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon being asked the price, the bartender responded, "For you? No charge."

[schillingouttheks]

Originally Posted by Rodney Harrison

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon being asked the price, the bartender responded, "For you? No charge."

[MDF3530]

Originally Posted by Peters34

This is an old one but

Why do they call it PMS (sry for any women on here)
Because mad cow was already taken

Originally Posted by Soxfan#1

Man1- Did you know diarhea is heriditary?
Man2- Really?
Man1- Yeah it runs in your genes.

I take it you two have seen the movie "A Prairie Home Companion"?

Did you hear about the Viagra shipment that got stolen?
They're looking for a hardened criminal.

[CincyRedSoxFan58]

Heres one movie fans should like...

Theres a mama tomato, a papa tomato and a baby tomato walking down the street. the baby tomato starts to lag behind. the papa tomato goes and steps on the baby tomato exclaiming "catch-up will ya?"

boo yea i know... lol.

[CincyRedSoxFan58]

Here we go again...:

Theres a woman and a man driving one night. Both in completely seperate cars, going there own ways. All of a sudden theres a bad car wreck, involving both this man and this woman. They get of there cars amazingly with no injuries. The man looks at the woman and says "holy shit, were okay. this must be fate. as if we were meant to meet each other" She woman nodded in agreement while she is overlooking her wrecked car. She peers inside and sees a bottle of wine she had purchased was still in one piece. She shows it to the man and says " look!! i bought this bottle of wine to drink away my sorrows. I agree it must be fate that we were meant to meet each other!!" She opens the bottle of wine in celebration and hands it to the guy. The man excitedly drink a few chugs of the wine as he hands it to the woman. She takes the bottle and throws it into his car smashing the bottle and spilling the remaining wine all over the interior of the mans car. The man yells "why the hell did you just throw the bottle of wine inside my wrecked car!?!?" The woman replies "now I have a story to tell the cops when they get here!!"

-A little cheesy.. but eh.

[aarathi]

I was really a bad joke.

[redsoxrules]

Subject: Do you have a vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to

the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady



'Do you have a vagina'.



She slams the door in disgust.



The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man

and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams

the door again.



Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has

happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and

concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case

this guy shows up again'.



The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the

door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to

hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to

answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with

it'. She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.



Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same

question.

Do you have vagina'.......



'Yes' she says......



The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my

wife's alone and start using yours ?'

[redsoxrules]

Fast Sex


Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really
hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
"I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."The girl looked
at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the
floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money
really fast.. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed
and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for
his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls
and asks what happened.....?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all
quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed