While the following story is satire, there's nothing funny about kids battling cancer. Please support the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and the Jimmy Fund by making a donation to the WEEI-NESN Jimmy Fund Radio-Thon. Call 1-877-738-1234 or visit WEEI.com to donate. These kids and their families deserve all the praise, help and support we can give them.
Smarmy, bigoted, small-pricked morning radio hosts? Not so much.
----
It's a beautiful late summer day and little Billy Sullivan is in his hospital room, watching Finding Nemo. The room is decorated from floor to ceiling in Red Sox memorabilia and Billy is wearing his favorite Green Monster pajamas. An authentic Sox hat covers his bald head. A nurse knocks gently on the door and walks in the room, accompanied by a man Billy doesn't recognize.
"Billy, there's someone special here to see you. This is Gerry. He's on the radio every day, talking about the Red Sox! I know how much you love the team so I thought you'd enjoy spending some time with him, talking baseball. I'll check back on the two of you in a little bit."
Gerry sits down in the chair next to Billy's bed and puts his Crocs on the rail.
"How you feeling today, Bobby?"
"Billy."
"Your name's not Bobby?"
"No."
"Are you sure about that? I thought it was Bobby."
"It's Billy."
"OK, whatever, have it your way. So, what are you watching?"
"Finding Nemo. It's my favorite movie."
Gerry grabs the remote from the bedside table and shuts off the TV.
"Hey! Why'd you do that, mister?"
"What the hell is the matter with you, watching crap like that?! Don't you know that Dory is a homo?"
"What's a homo?"
"A sissy. A fairy. A rug muncher. A Democrat."
"I thought she was a fish?"
"That's what they want you to think. Anyway, so you like baseball?"
"I love baseball! Have you met any of the Red Sox??"
"Oh yeah. I've met all of them. Mike Timlin? Terrific guy. Loves to hunt. Puts a few slugs in Bambi and throws him in the back of the truck. Jason Varitek? Great guy. Always talking about his wife and kids. Totally devoted to them. Curt Schilling? A finer man you'll never meet. Everything about him just oozes integrity and dedication and sacrifice. There's no better teammate in the history of baseball than Curt. No exaggeration. Just ask him. If I had another son, I'd name him Curt. Youk, Pedroia, Drew, Wake, Clay, Lester, Paps...just a great buncha guys."
"What about Coco?"
"No thanks. I don't like those sissy drinks. I'm a coffee guy. The stronger the better."
"No, I meant...never mind. What about Dice-K?"
"I'm not sold on him yet. There's something about him that I just don't trust. You never know when he'll sneak up on you. Who's your favorite player?"
Billy reaches under his blanket and pulls out his Red Sox home jersey. He puts it on excitedly.
"Oh man, my mom and dad bought me this jersey when I first got sick. I wear it every time I get treatment. It's my lucky jersey."
"That's terrific, Bobby. Let me see the back."
Billy turns around to show Gerry the number of his favorite player.
24.
"Ah, a boy after my own heart. Good ol' Dewey."
"Who's Dewey? This is my Manny jersey!"
A foreboding silence fills the room. The blood rises to Gerry's face, turning him an uncomfortable shade of maroon.
"Manny...Ramirez?"
"Yeah! I love him! Did you see that game where he caught the ball and gave the guy in the stands a high five? That was awesome."
"Let me tell you something, Bobby. There's nothing awesome about Manny Ramirez. Nothing. He's a filthy, rotten, disgusting piece of dog shit and a disgrace to the Red Sox uniform and the sport of baseball. He's lazy and stupid and from another country that's not America. He's everything that's bad and evil in this world and he..."
"But...but..."
"...doesn't care about anyone but himself and all his money. He takes a bath in all his hundred dollar bills. Did you know he killed a man in Texas? A kind, decent, hard working American man named Jack McCormick? Yeah. Jack couldn't find one of those sissy burrito things those people eat and Manny took him into the batting cages and used his head for a tee. They never did find Jack's head."
Tears begin to stream down Billy's face.
"Oh sure. Go ahead and cry. I'd cry too if I found out my hero was really just a bad, bad man who blows his nose with the American flag. And you know what else, Bobby? You know why Manny's hair is so long?"
"W..w...why?"
"Because he doesn't want to be bald like you. He won't even look at people like you. Manny hates kids. And puppies. But he especially hates kids with cancer. And that's because he IS a cancer."
Billy's nurse re-enters the room.
"Just wanted to make sure everything was okay in here! Billy, we'll bring you down for your treatment later so that you can have more time with Mr. Callahan."
"No, no, that's okay. I'll go now."
"Are you sure? I know how much you hate the treatments and those really big needles."
"I'm really sure. Definitely sure. Absolutely sure." Billy jumps out of bed, into his wheelchair and burns rubber out of his room.
"Nice meeting you, Bobby! You take care! So, could any other kids use a visit?"
"We have a new patient who just got here a couple of hours ago. He was wearing a 'Manny Being Manny' t-shirt and a Big Papi hat so I'm guessing he's a fan."
Gerry rubs his hands together.
"Excellent. Show me to his room."
Originally Posted by W.B. Mason
